Learning to Grieve “Well”

In view of the recent tragedy at Virginia Tech it seemed appropriate to talk about grieving and how to process through the various stages on the way to healing. Grieving is the physical, emotional and mental condition brought on by a loss, such as the death of a loved one (including pets). Grief is our body's natural ability to heal our emotional injury and provokes physical and emotional symptoms, as well as spiritual insights and turmoil.

Traditionally, the five stages of loss are: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Shock, pain and hope have also been added by some writers on the subject. These stages are not stops on some linear timeline in grief; they overlap and circle back. Not everyone goes through all of them or in a prescribed order. There is no timetable for bereavement and each person’s experience is unique. For some, a few weeks or months time brings a sense of peace and renewed hope; others experience wave after wave of grief for years, with varying frequency and intensity. Regardless of the type of loss, whether sudden or after a prolonged illness, emotional support is essential.

Here are some suggestions to help you cope and ‘grieve well’:

• Self-expression: talk, write, create and remember.

• Emotional self-care: forgive, have fun, plan ahead (anniversaries, holidays)

• Talk to a caring friend, pastor or counselor

• Join a bereavement support group

• Read books on grief

• Write letters to the person you have lost to express your feelings or as a way of saying goodbye. You can then keep these in a safe place or bury them under a bush you plant in their memory

• Keep a journal as a record of your own journey of grief

• Create a memorial for the person who died: plant a tree, create a memory book or photo album. Children often like to collect items for a memento box

• Commemorate the person you lost on special days, such as birthdays and holidays. Light a candle, eat their favorite food and talk about them. Then go and do something special for yourselves. Plan these activities with the rest of the family

Self care is important to prevent further stress to the body. The following can be helpful in coping with grief:

• A regular daily routine. Have set times for getting up, meals and going to bed.

• A balanced diet that includes breads and cereals; meat, fish and dairy products; fruit and vegetables

• Avoid too much coffee and tea so you can sleep at night

• Outdoor activities, such as going for a walk or gardening take you away from the stress and refresh you mentally

• Exercise, such as swimming, walking and team games, will produce chemicals called endorphins in the body which help to counteract depression and make you feel good. The exercise does not need to be strenuous. If you have doubts about your fitness consult your doctor.

• Relaxation: meditation, massage, music

• A relaxing pre-sleep routine: winding down before bed and not watching television.

• Avoiding seeking relief through alcohol, smoking, medication and other drugs

Be patient, tolerant and gentle with yourself as you grieve. It is important to seek professional help when you feel overwhelmed by your grief or memories. No one has to bear it all alone. There is help available.

John Holt, Cornerstone Psychological Services (CPS). CPS is the district’s Employee Assistance Program that offers five free counseling sessions per year to eligible employees and/or immediate family members. Call CPS at 540-9400 for information.